Rainy Days Page 16

  A wan smile crossed Ash’s face. “You’re such an idiot,” he said drowsily, “but I can’t help feeling happy right now.”

  Michael moved Ash’s hand to his lips and kissed it. “Maybe I am an idiot. Only time will tell. I may never see Taryn again. I know that. But I’m not going to give up without a fight.”

  “We’ll get her back,” Ash said. “I’ll use the settlement money and sell everything I own to pay for a lawyer if I have to. Taryn deserves to know her father.”

  “Thanks,” Michael leaned over and kissed Ash. “You’re going to need that money for medical bills, though.”

  “Yeah, that’s true. I’m so sorry.”

  “Sorry? Ash, you have nothing to be sorry for.”

  “I was the one who couldn’t take it. I’m the one who ran out on you. I saw you with Taryn at the party and I couldn’t stand coming between you.”

  “It was never you standing in the way,” Michael said. “I offered Michelle shared custody. She’s the one who wants to go to court.”

  “I guess she’s not too happy about the thought of two guys raising her daughter, even on weekends. Right?”

  “She’s never had an open mind about anything. I think she’s going to be in for a shock.” Michael said. “The world’s getting used to the idea of two men in love. The custody battle might not be as easy as she thinks.”

  “This city isn’t, though,” Ash said. “It’s not going to be easy, you and I living together.”

  “Nothing worth having is ever easy. You, Taryn... Nothing comes without a fight. Well, I’m going to fight. I’m not going to be ashamed of my feelings any more.”

  Ash smiled. “Michael, I love you so much. Thank you for everything. Thank you for keeping all your promises. I’m sorry I ever doubted you.”

  “I gave you reason to doubt. Sometimes even I wondered if I could go through with it. Now I just feel relieved. I should have ended it a long time ago.”

  “Where are you living right now?”

  “At your apartment. If that’s okay with you.”

  “Of course it is. Don’t take any more time off from work, either. You’re going to be the only wage-earner for a while. You need to pay the bills so we can afford to fight for Taryn.”

  Michael sighed. “I guess that’s true. It’s going to be tough going back to work.”

  “There’ll be a lot of stares and a lot of rumors,” Ash said. “News travels fast around these parts.”

  “Let them talk.”

  “That’s right. Michael, I’m tired. Mind if I sleep for a little bit?”

  “Of course. I’ll be here for you when you wake up, okay?”

  Ash closed his eyes and drifted to sleep. Michael watched him with a warm feeling in his heart. He looked up to see his mom standing at the door. He tiptoed to the door, leaving quietly.

  “I understand it now,” Michael’s mom said. “Seeing you together. You have a real connection. I can’t argue with that.”

  “Thanks, Mom,” Michael said. Michael’s dad showed up with coffee.

  “I guess we should take off,” Michael’s dad said.

  “Thank you for everything,” Michael said. “I’m so lucky to have parents like you.”

  “Does Ash have a family that need to be informed?” Michael’s mom asked.

  “No. I’m all he has.”

  “He can count on us, too,” Michael’s dad said. “If you love him, then he’s our son as well.”

  “Thanks, Dad,” Michael said, his throat feeling tight again.

  “You call us if you need anything,” Michael’s mom said. “Anything at all.”

  “Thanks,” Michael kissed them goodbye and opened the door to Ash’s room, sitting down by his side. It’s unbelievable to think about. All those years that I wasted, thinking I needed to please them, only to find they love me just the way I am. Never mind your family, Ash, you’re getting the best parents that anybody could ever ask for in mine.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Whispers

  Michael looked at the factory where he worked with trepidation as he got out of his dad’s car. His coworkers stood on the front steps and scattered as he approached, women staring at him as he picked up his punch card and clocked in, grabbing a hairnet and heading into the plant. He heard whispers as he put his jacket in his locker.

  “Hey, did you hear he left his wife for another man? Yeah, I heard it from John.” The barely audible whisper reached his ears and he willed away the fearful feeling that rolled in his stomach. He kept his head down and pushed past them, heading out to the factory floor where he received his work assignment and headed to the conveyors. Eyes followed him as he relieved the previous shift employee, who gave him a look of disgust as she walked away.

  What, does everybody know around here? Was it in the morning paper or something? Michael thought bitterly. Nobody would meet his gaze as he worked. Oh well. Screw them. I did what needed to be done. They’re just jealous that they don’t have the courage to leave their miserable marriages. They’d rather bitch and complain in the break room.

  Lunchtime rolled around before he knew it, and he sat down in the break room in his usual spot. The others sitting at the table stood up and moved. So that’s how it’s going to be. He ate the sandwich he’d packed half-heartedly, his appetite gone.

  “He left his daughter too.” A whisper reached Michael’s ear and he was standing before he could control himself, stalking over to the next table.

  “If you’ve got something to say, say it to my face,” Michael said. The woman fell silent. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. It’s easy to whisper behind people’s backs about things you know nothing about.” He stalked out of the break room and went back to work, cleaning his equipment while he waited for the others to come back.

  “Michael.” The plant manager waved to him. “Come with me.” Michael followed, half-hoping and half-dreading he’d be fired. They reached the manager’s office and Michael was offered a seat.

  “I understand you’re having some personal problems,” the manager said.

  “Yeah, you could say that. I’m sorry I blew up in the break room. People have just been whispering all day.”

  “Perhaps you should take some time off to sort things out.”

  “I can’t afford to. You think I want to be here like this while my boyfriend lies in a hospital bed, wondering if he’ll ever walk again? You think I want to be here while my soon to be ex-wife prepares a legal defense that means I might never see my daughter again? Taking time off isn’t going to stop the rumors. They’ll just get worse in my absence.”

  “Be that as it may,” the plant manager said. “We don’t need this level of distraction here right now. You have two weeks’ paid vacation set for October. I’m willing to bend the rules and bring it forward to now, if you’re willing to be out while all this settles down.”

  “You’d do that?”

  “Let’s face it, it doesn’t look good on me if a fight breaks out here, and somebody only has to pull the right strings to get you to hit them. Take your two weeks, get things in order, and come back. Okay?”

  “Okay,” Michael agreed. He walked to the break room and grabbed his lunch bag. Eyes were on him as he left. Some day your lives will burn down, but don’t expect my sympathy. You could have offered me kindness, but instead you turned your backs on me. He left the factory, punching out and calling his dad.

  “Dad, I’m sorry. Yeah, I’ve got two weeks off. Maybe it’s for the best.” He paced the parking lot until his dad’s car pulled in.

  “Don’t look so down, Michael. It’ll get better,” Michael’s dad said.

  “I thought I could take it but there were so many whispers,” Michael said. “Is this how it’s going to be from now on?”

  “For a while, sure,” Michael’s dad said. “They’ll get bored eventually and move on to something else. You can’t let them get you down.”

  “I want to see Ash. Please take me to the hospital.”
/>
  Michael opened the door to Ash’s room, coffee cup in hand.

  “Oh, you’re early,” Ash said, looking at the clock. “Did something happen?”

  “I got in somebody’s face. My boss told me to take my paid vacation time. I get the feeling it wasn’t an option.” Michael sat down and took Ash’s hand in his. “How have you done it all these years, Ash? How do you put up with the whispers and the rumors?”

  “In this place, I don’t,” Ash said. “I’ve been in the closet for a long time. Oh, people have whispered and commented on the fact that I don’t have a wife or girlfriend, but I’ve just let them think what they want to think. In the end, does it really matter?”

  “They’re making my life unbearable,”. Ash gave Michael’s hand a squeeze.

  “They will do that. They’ll rip me to shreds too. Sure, I’m not going back to work any time soon, but you think I won’t bear the glances in town? It’s worth it, though, isn’t it?”

  Michael managed a wan smile. “Yeah, that’s true I’m sorry. I know it’s all small fry compared to what you’re dealing with. I don’t mean to whine.”

  “Hey.” Ash moved Michael’s hair out of his eyes with his hand. “Your feelings matter. Don’t dismiss them. It’s no small matter to be tormented at work. You have to go there every day. They shouldn’t make it hell for you.”

  Michael put his hand over Ash’s, which was caressing his face. He closed his eyes and kissed Ash’s fingers. “Thanks. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

  “Not get bullied at work?” Ash offered.

  “I’d rather deal with that than be without you.”

  “Calm down, I was just kidding.”

  Dr. Summers knocked on the door. “Hey, I was just wondering how everything’s going. I have some test results for you.”

  “Come on, do your worst,” Ash said.

  “The news is pretty good, actually,” Dr. Summers said. “The pinprick test detected sensitivity and feeling in your legs, and it would seem that your bladder and bowel control is normal.”

  “Yeah, I felt it all right, I just can’t move them,” Ash said. “It’s nice to know I can keep some dignity, though. Right?”

  “With intensive therapy, you have a good chance of walking in some degree again,” Dr. Summers said. “We’ll have to wait until your bones mend before we can start, however.”

  “So, when am I getting out of here?”

  “A few more days and you should be ready,” Dr. Summers said. “I’d like for you to be discharged by the end of the week. Well, I’ll leave you two alone.”

  “I’m gonna be in a wheelchair,” Ash sighed. “With a broken arm. I won’t even be able to move myself around.”

  “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you.”

  “I hate to be such a burden,” Ash said. “I’m so used to depending on myself, you know?”

  “You’re not a burden,” Michael said. “Ash, I nearly lost you. I don’t care if I have to take care of you for the rest of your life, as long as I can be with you.”

  “Such a sap,” Ash smiled. “I’m still not made of glass, you know. I got hit by a train and I’m still here.”

  “Yeah, well, you’ve got to stop this nearly dying thing, or you’re going to give me a nervous breakdown.”

  Ash laughed. “Thinking about it, you are extremely bad for me. Oh well, you’re totally worth the risk.”

  Michael’s cellphone rang. Ash waved his finger in a “you shouldn’t have that in here” motion and Michael smiled. “Hello?” He conducted his call while Ash pulled funny faces. Michael almost exploded with laughter a couple of times before hanging up.

  “You’re supposed to be depressed,” Michael said. “The “might never walk again” thing, you know?”

  “You’ve got enough gloom for both of us. Someone’s gotta lighten the mood.” He flashed a winning smile and Michael leaned over and kissed him.

  “So, who was on the phone?”

  “The insurance company is paying out for my car,” Michael said. “I’m glad I gave them this number so they can send me a check. Otherwise Michelle would keep the money. Now I can buy a new car.”

  “That’s good to hear. Any word on the custody front?”

  Michael sighed. “Dad was supposed to contact a lawyer, but I haven’t heard anything.” He twiddled his fingers nervously.

  “Michael, I know that look. What’s eating you?”

  “I’m just scared it’s a hopeless cause,” Michael said. “I’m the one who cheated. I’m the one who left. I’m the one seeing another man...”

  “...Who’s going to need full-time care,” Ash said. “I know, it doesn’t look so good, but you can’t put it off, Michael. You can’t just let Michelle walk away with Taryn without putting up a fight.”

  “I know,” Michael said. “I know.”

  Ash reached over and lifted his chin. “It’s going to be okay, Michael. You’re going to fight for Taryn, and I’m going to be by your side every step of the way.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Dysfunctional

  “Doc, I got a question,” Ash asked the next morning. Michael hadn’t yet arrived and he was relieved, wanting to ask his question in private.

  “What is it, Ash?” Dr. Summers asked.

  “Since the accident, I haven’t been able to...” Christ, Ash, you can’t be nervous about this, you used be a porn star for fuck’s sake.

  Dr. Summers seemed confused and then his eyes lit up with understanding. “Ah. You haven’t been able to achieve or maintain an erection?”

  “Yeah. That.”

  “Well, that’s pretty common in patients with a spinal cord injury. It’s still early days, Ash. You have to give it time.”

  “What if I can never have sex again? What kind of a man am I?” He closed his eyes. What if I can never pleasure Michael again?

  “There are other ways to please a partner.”

  “That’s not good enough,” Ash said. “I’m not going to spend the rest of my life as a sexless being. I’d rather be dead.”

  “It may only be temporary,” Dr. Summers said. “You’ve just received a traumatic injury. Give it time.” He walked away as Ash slammed his fist down on the bed.

  What if it’s not just temporary? What if I can never fuck Michael again? His unspoken fears rolled in his gut and tears sprang to his eyes, the first bitter tears he had allowed himself since waking up. Have I won Michael just to lose him again? He won’t be able to live a sexless life. I don’t want him to. What kind of a life is that after what we had?

  Michael arrived with his usual cup of coffee. “I bought a new car. I can take you home tomorrow in style.”

  “That’s nice.” Ash tried to sound enthusiastic, but failed.

  “Ash, what’s wrong?”

  “It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

  “It’s not nothing. Talk to me, Ash.”

  “I can’t,” Ash said. “I’m sorry.”

  “Okay, now I’m really worried.”

  “I just need to be alone,” Ash said. “Can you do that for me?”

  “Yeah,” Michael said. “Ash, did I do something wrong?”

  “No. No, you didn’t. I just need some space.”

  Michael wandered out into the hallway, his morning optimism dimmed. He saw Dr. Summers and chased him down.

  “What the hell is going on with Ash? He’s not his usual self.”

  “I’m afraid I can’t discuss that,” Dr. Summers said. “Doctor-patient conversations are confidential. You’ll have to ask him yourself.”

  “I did. He won’t tell me. Come on, if something is eating him up inside, I need to know.”

  “I’m sorry,” Dr Summers said. “I’d like to help you, but I can’t.”

  Michael stalked away, tossing his coffee into a trashcan as he left the building. He stood outside, smoking away half a pack of cigarettes as it started to rain.

  Maybe he doesn’t want to be with me after all, Michael
thought. Maybe I’ve been too clingy, sitting at his side every single damn day. I nearly lost him, damn it. Don’t I deserve to hold on tightly? He sighed, letting out the cigarette smoke. What if I’ve lost Taryn for nothing? He squashed another cigarette out. I have to find out what’s wrong. I can’t just leave it. I put everything on the line for Ash. I’m not going to deal with secrets and lies any more.

  He walked back into the hospital with purpose, making his way up to Ash’s room and sitting down on the chair at his bedside.

  “I thought you went home,” Ash said.

  “Too bad, I didn’t. Ash, I gave up my daughter so I could be with you. So if you’re having second thoughts about our relationship, you need to say something now.”

  “Of course I’m not having second thoughts,” Ash sighed bitterly. “I just have a problem, that’s all.”

  “What is it? We’ll work through it together.”

  Ash closed his eyes. “It’s not that simple. I can’t... I can’t... how did Dr. Summers put it? I can't achieve or maintain an erection. Don’t even think about laughing.”

  “I’m not laughing. Why would I laugh?” Michael reached for Ash’s hand but Ash pulled it away sharply. “You’ve just started to heal, Ash. Give it time.”

  “What if it doesn’t come back? What if I never experience sexual pleasure again?”

  “Then I’ll still love you. Our relationship is about more than sex.”

  “Don’t feed me that line,” Ash said. “It’s bullshit. Sex isn’t all of it, but it’s a part of it. I’m not going to torment you with a sexless relationship. I’d be better off dead.”

  “Don’t say shit like that. We’ll live with it.”

  “I want you to touch me,” Ash said.

  “Here? Now?” Michael asked.

  “Yeah. If I can’t get off on your touch, I know I’m broken.”

  Michael shook his head. “No. I won’t do it.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because you’re putting too much pressure on yourself. What if I touch you and nothing happens? You’re going to consider it a foregone conclusion. Wait until we get home. I’m not sure I could get it up in this stark place.”