Rainy Days Read online

  Michael turned to Ash and seized him in a kiss. Ash moaned as Michael’s tongue explored his mouth and Ash’s hands wrapped around Michael, pulling him closer. The kiss turned into something tender as opposed to needy and Ash pulled away.

  “That’s what I thought,” Michael said. “You feel the same way I do. Last night wasn’t just a one-night stand. We have feelings for one another. Logic flies out of the window when we’re together.”

  “That’s why we have to walk away now. The more I have you, the more I want you. The more these feelings grow. We can’t just be friends. It’s all or nothing.” Ash pulled away and looked over the balcony.

  “I need you in my life,” Michael said. “You’re the thing that’s been missing all these years. I thought I loved Michelle but that feels like nothing compared to this. I get butterflies in my stomach when I think about you. I lay awake at night looking up at the ceiling because you’re on my mind.”

  “We can’t do this! I can’t do this. Michael, I won’t destroy your family just to have what I want. I care too much to see you lose your little girl, to see your life go up in flames.”

  “Then what do we do?”

  “I’ve managed to salvage an engine from the scrap yard,” Ash said. “I should have it installed tonight. I won’t need you to give me a ride to work any more. I think it’s for the best that we stay away from each other.”

  “So that’s it? It’s over, just like that?”

  “It’s what we agreed. You know it’s the sensible thing to do. Go home, Michael. Go home to your wife and daughter and tell them you love them.”

  “Yeah.” Michael’s voice was think with emotion as he walked away, not even looking back at Ash. “Ash, someday... someday my daughter will be grown. If you’re still in town, then maybe...”

  “Maybe.” Ash struggled to keep his voice even. “Look after yourself, Michael.”

  “You too.” Michael let himself out of the apartment, and Ash watched him go with a heavy heart, slumping down on a lawn chair. I had to let you go. I should get started on the truck. If he sees me walking we’ll just end up down the same road again. He sighed and stood up. I did what I had to do. I did the right thing. So why do I feel so awful?

  Michael drove the car home as fast as he could, breaking the speed limit. Thunder rolled above him and his windshield wipers fought back the rain at full speed as he struggled to keep his emotions inside. We can never see each other again. He showed me all the holes in my life and then left me alone to live with them. He gave me one night that’s going to be the subject of every wet dream for the rest of my life and now he’s gone. He’s gone because he cares about my family more than I do. He let out a long, deep breath. He’s just trying to protect me. He’s a good man, a better man then I’ve ever been. That’s why I feel this way, because I’ve lost him from my life. If only I’d been able to keep my distance. If only I’d been content to be friends, but no, I pushed my luck and here we are.

  He pulled into a parking space on his street and got out of the car, slamming the door shut. He put on his best poker face and pushed Ash out of his mind, opening the doors and letting himself in out of the rain. Michelle was sitting at the kitchen table. There were tears in her eyes and Michael felt a stab of fear as he thought: She knows. Then she looked up and he could see she was smiling. No. It’s not that. It’s something else.

  “I’m sorry things have been so hard between us lately,” Michelle said. “I know I haven’t been very good to you. I get upset over tiny things and I didn’t even realize why until today.” She broke into a wide smile. “Michael, I’m pregnant. We’re going to have another baby.”

  Michael felt the words hit him like a tidal wave. Terror shot through him like a bullet and he sat down on the nearest chair before he fell down.

  “How?” Michael was stunned. “We don’t have the money for another baby. We’ve been through this. That’s why we used protection.”

  “Accidents happen. We’ll find the money. Now Taryn can finally have a sibling! Come on, look excited!”

  Michael thought he was going to vomit as he forced a smile. Taryn came running over to Michael and he picked her up and put her on his lap. I should be happy. This is the family I wanted. This is the whole reason I married Michelle. This is the dream they give you all your life; wife, family and a home. So why does it feel like a ball and chain around my ankle? Why do I want to flee into Ash’s arms instead?

  Chapter Four

  The Affair

  A week passed and the rain didn’t seem to abate. Ash walked to his truck, sloshing through the puddles of water that were accumulating in the parking lot. His truck had been running smoothly since he installed the engine and he was grateful, even as a piece of him wished it would break down somewhere in Michael’s path. I miss you, Michael. He would wake alone and went to bed alone, with very little human interaction at all. His coworkers would go out to drink together and he would politely decline until they had stopped asking. There was only you, and I pushed you away. I’m destined to be alone.

  He was driving along the road to work when the engine gave out a splutter and died. Ash managed to pull it over to the side of the road before the vehicle lost momentum and rolled to a stop. Dammit, Ash. Be careful what you wish for. He got out of the truck into the rain and pulled up the hood. Smoke rose from inside and he sighed as he slammed the hood back down. He looked up to see a familiar car. Michael. He waved, but the car drove right by and he sighed. I guess I’ll have to walk. Can’t blame him for not stopping. He’s only doing what I asked him to do.

  He started to walk, the rain soaking his clothing as he walked on the muddy verge. He slipped and fell before he stood up, cursing. He picked up a rock and threw it at his truck before turning and walking away.

  Michael sighed as he drove down the main road. As Michelle grows happier, it feels like she’s sucking the joy from my life. He coughed, result of chain-smoking every time he was alone, trying to ease the stress of rushing around to buy baby clothes and taking Michelle to appointments. The doctors smile and I force a grin, playing my part as the delighted husband and father.

  He almost didn’t see the brown truck at the side of the road, and his heart skipped a beat as he looked back to see Ash waving. No. I can’t stop. I don’t need my life to get any more complicated. He watched Ash in the mirror and saw him slip, turning to throw a rock at his truck. Damn it, I can’t just leave him. He’ll get soaked in this weather. He pulled into the next available lot and turned the car around, getting back on the road. Ash had crossed the street, walking against the flow of traffic and Michael pulled over, rolling down the window.

  “Get in.”

  “I can’t do that,” Ash sighed. “We had an agreement.”

  “Screw that. Please. You’ll get soaked out here. It’s just a ride.”

  Ash sighed, letting his pretense crumble and he got into the car. “Thanks,” he said, putting his seatbelt on.

  “So, how have you been?” Michael asked.

  “The same. Not much changes in my life. You?”

  Michael shook his head. “It sucks,” he said. “I won’t bore you with the details.”

  “Come on, you can talk to me.” Ash turned to look at him, giving Michael his full attention.

  “Michelle’s pregnant,” Michael said, feeling almost guilty as he said it.

  “I see.” Ash said, keeping his voice neutral. “Something tells me you’re not happy about it.”

  “Everybody else is delighted. Michelle’s happy, our parents are happy. The doctors are happy, even Taryn is delighted to be getting a sibling.”

  “What about you?”

  “I feel like she betrayed me and everybody else is fine with it. I told her we couldn’t afford another child. Our birth control managed to just somehow magically fail after that conversation, and the two times we had sex in the last year just happened to be when she was fertile. Nobody wants to hear it. Even her dad told me to just be happy that we’re
having another child. I’m blessed, or something.”

  “It’s because that’s what they’ve all wanted for so long. Her parents want more grandchildren. Michelle wanted another child. People are selfish at heart.” Ash sighed. “They don’t care that she obviously planned it all without your consent, as long as it suits their interests. Hell, maybe they even encouraged her.”

  “Wouldn’t surprise me,” Michael said. “Her parents and I have never gotten along.”

  “So, what are you going to do?”

  “What can I do? I have to go along with it. It’s not like I don’t like kids, but I feel like an actor in a movie, playing a part. I don’t know when it started to feel so empty, but I feel like I’m hollow. There must be something wrong with me to feel this way.”

  “What, for not wanting two-point four screaming kids, a nagging wife and an expensive house? There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just realizing that the big dream is a big lie.”

  “Perhaps. I wish I could forget that and go back to believing,” Michael said. “Things were good, once. I had my whole life ahead of me. Now I just feel old.”

  “Youth gives us the illusion of choice. We think we can do anything we want, but in the end you either live out society’s prescribed pattern or you live alone. Trust me, being alone isn’t much better, watching everybody else try to push you into their box. “When are you going to find a woman? When are you going to have kids?” Sometimes I just want to scream at them.”

  “I guess you’re right,” Michael sighed. “I don’t have the courage to live alone. I wanted a family of my own. That’s how I ended up in this mess.”

  “You tried to fit into the box. I don’t blame you. There are times where I envy you, you know. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side.”

  “I guess so.”

  “Hey, you want to blow off work and get a couple of beers?” Michael asked.

  “I could do that,” Ash picked up his cellphone and called into work. “Yeah, my truck broke down. It’s stuck on Main and I need to get it towed right away, so I won’t be in. Okay, thanks.” He hung up. “Well, my schedule is free. I’ll call the tow truck to take it while you call your job.” He got out of the car and made a phone call while Michael called his boss.

  “I need to take a personal day. Yeah, Michelle has an appointment for the baby and I forgot about it. Thanks.” He ended the call, feeling slightly guilty as Ash opened the door and sat down in the passenger seat.

  “Okay, you choose the place,” Ash said. Michael drove to a little bar he hadn’t been to in years and saw it was boarded up.

  “Well, that’s a bust,” Ash said. “I don’t know of many places that open this early. How about you just come back to my place and we’ll have a drink there?”

  “Okay,” I don’t care if it’s a bad idea any more. I just want to get away from my life. I just want to be myself for a little while. He’s the only one who makes that possible.

  They arrived at Tower Heights and parked the car in an empty spot. “Are you sure it’s okay?” Michael asked. “After last time...”

  “You need a friend.” Ash said. “I hate to see you so depressed.” He opened the door and got out, calling the elevator. They stood inside in silence until they reached Ash’s floor and walked to his apartment. Ash let them inside and stripped off his wet leather jacket, throwing it over a chair.

  “Sit down,” Ash said. “I’ll go get us a couple of beers.” He headed into the kitchen and leaned up against the counter. It was a mistake to bring him here, I know, but I can’t help it. I’m lonely, he’s depressed. I guess misery just loves company. He grabbed the cans of beer and headed back to the living room, where Michael was looking through the movies.

  “Is it okay if we watch something?” Michael asked. “I could use an escape from everything right now.”

  “Of course. We’ve got all day. Pick anything you like.” Michael tossed him a case. “Oooh. Another good choice.” Ash put the disc in to the player and they sat back on the sofa, watching as they drank. Michael seemed to loosen up and he even laughed a little. Finally the credits rolled and they sat in silence.

  “Thanks for this. I just really needed to get away from my life. Everything that’s going on is just too much. I don’t get a moment to myself.” Michael sat forward on the sofa, knitting his fingers together. “This last week, I even thought, if there’s no way out of this, maybe I should run away. Leave town, change my name, become somebody else.”

  “You’d never see Taryn again. Michelle would become the single mother of two children. I know you don’t want that to happen.”

  “That’s why I couldn’t do it. I love my daughter, and I have a responsibility to the one on the way. I know it makes no sense that I should be afraid of having another child. It’s just... all the work and the fact that Michelle manipulates me to get everything she wants. I don’t feel like my feelings or opinions carry any weight, like nothing I say or feel even matters. This week just cemented that.”

  “Your feelings do matter. They matter to me. I’m sorry about before. I never meant to hurt you. I’m just afraid of being hurt.”

  “It’s not you. I understand why you pushed me away. It’s everyone else. My parents, her parents, Michelle herself. I’m surrounded on all sides by rising water, by people telling me what I should want. I don’t know what to do.”

  “Not a lot you can do. Unless you want to change your name and leave town. I’ll be right there with you if you want to.”

  Michael smiled. “A nice thought. If only it was that simple.”

  “It never is,” Ash said. “I wouldn’t do that to Taryn, anyway. She’s just a kid. She didn’t ask for any of this to happen.”

  “That’s right. I’ve just got to grin and bear it, I guess. I thought I would leave when Taryn was eighteen. Now another seven years have been added onto my sentence.”

  Ash put his hand on Michael’s arm. “You’re not alone with this. Any time you need a friend, I’m here.”

  “You’re lonely. I’m depressed. What a mess we’ve made of everything. I should never have gotten married. Then we could be together and all our problems would be solved.”

  “Yup.” Ash’s voice took on a high, tight tone. “Well, this is just how it is. Can’t change it.”

  Michael looked over at Ash. His black hair dangled forward as he leaned, hiding his face. Michael leaned over and moved it from his face, revealing the features beneath. His hand was on Ash’s cheek and Ash put his hand over it.

  “I don’t want to fight this any more,” Ash said. “I know it’s wrong. I know we’re going to get hurt, but I can’t stand being at a distance. I can’t stand watching you suffer when I know I can make you happy. I can’t stand being alone when I know you could be next to me. So maybe it’ll all go down in flames. I’ll burn with it.” He leaned in and claimed Michael’s lips in a slow kiss. Michael didn’t fight it, simply kissed back, slipping his arms around Ash’s waist as they kissed. They parted for breath, gasping at the air around them.

  “I need you.” Michael whispered in a husky, breathless voice. His hands roamed up Ash’s shirt and Ash let Michael take it off, lifting his arms up and letting the garment fall to the floor. Michael kissed down his chest and reached for his belt buckle, undoing it with ease and sliding the tight jeans down Ash’s legs. Ash’s cock was hard and Michael kissed around it, teasing before taking it in his mouth. Ash gasped at the warmth and stroked Michael’s hair as he moved his head.

  “Shit.” Ash said, as he drank in the sight of Michael sucking his cock. “Oh God. I’m gonna--”

  He came as Michael’s phone started to ring. Michael reached for it and turned it off with frustration, tossing it down on the coffee table as he wiped his mouth. “Christ, does she have to call me fifteen times a day? I’ve told her a million times I can’t have my phone in the plant.”

  Ash pulled Michael down on top of him, holding him close. “It could be an emergency. Be careful.
She could call your job and find out you’re not there.”

  Michael sighed. “I guess you’re right. I suppose we’re really having an affair now, huh?” He turned the phone on and received the message. His eyes flashed with panic, his face turning pale. “She’s at the hospital. Something’s wrong with the baby. Damn, I have to go.” He scrambled for his clothes, their intimacy forgotten.

  “It’s okay,” Ash said, but as the door slammed shut he felt a sense of sorrow. That’s how it works. She calls, he runs, and I sit here alone waiting for the time to pass. He closed his eyes and let out a sigh. This is what I wanted. I just hope I don’t live to regret it.

  Chapter Five

  Comfort

  Michael raced to the emergency room, speeding through the city streets. The rain beat down on the car as his mind whirled at a million miles an hour. He could still feel the ghost of Ash’s hands on his body, taste his seed on his tongue as he pulled into the hospital parking lot. What kind of man sucks another man’s dick while his wife is calling for an ambulance? He slammed the car door, rushing into the hospital reception. Eyes seemed to be on him as he ran to the desk. Can they see what I’ve done? Do they know what a worthless husband and father I am?

  “Sir, can I help you?” The receptionist gave him a weird look as he searched for the words.

  “Y... Yeah, my wife, she was admitted...” Michael tried to clear his mind but it was filled with a dozen competing emotions.

  “I’ll need her name,” the receptionist said.

  “Michelle Williams.”

  “Okay, she’s in room three hundred and nineteen.” She pointed to the elevator. “Take the elevator to the third floor.”

  Michael rushed into the elevator as the doors were closing. He stood alone as it moved upwards, and he was reminded of the Tower Heights elevator, with Ash leaning on the railing. He sighed, trying to push the thought from his mind. My wife’s in the hospital. I can’t be thinking of my lover. What’s wrong with me?